Often times

I have this draft
Of what you’d say.
You weren’t ever all that good with words. But I was. And I know you well enough to know exactly what you’d say almost always. We could of had conversations with each other without one speaking, we knew each other that well.
So it’s all that I know you’d say to me.
And I cry when I read it. And laugh. And smile. And agree.
Because it’s almost like you’re there really telling me it all. Like you're my friend just talking to me in some parking lot in the car.
Idk helps nights like tonight.

Nothing’s new

Miss you

if you come across it one day

somehow I hope the words get to you. sooner than later but definitely one day.

I'm sorry for meaning what I said that night. The thing is I spoke everything that needed to be said, and it needed to be heard. But I wish it wasn't said, and would have never been heard. Thank you for holding my hand.

I'm sorry I can't give you what you want. I feel sorry I can't give myself what I want either. Thank you for the times in which we let our hearts not heads direct.

we were always in color, there was never just black and white. The extremes were all that existed.

yet you somehow were the one to make me feel steady and content.

I haven't felt that in some time now.

There's much to have to miss. 

you play with fire, you get burned

I feel too much,
you talk too little.
I'm too hard,
you think too light.

still

I'm scared of not having enough time, not doing enough, of losing you, of missing you, of not giving you the chance, of not achieving, of settling, of over-reaching, of not believing, of being too hopeful. I'm scared to be stuck but I don't know the correct movement.
I think I'm just moving my feet standing still.

the other side

getting to the other side of fear.
we walk along carefully so as to not anger it
not awaken it too early.

why are we tiptoeing
the volcano's in Hawaii
the geyser at yellowstone
the explosions are bound to happen

preparations are key
you don't know what you need till you realize you need it
you don't know what you're missing till you're missing it

Fear is unavoidable
Don't pack, clean, move, or hide
Just leave no words left. Because regret is avoidable.

to be blunt

so be my home.
be my late night crawling into bed after school and work combo day
be my sweet reminder left on the table in the morning
my arm around and hands on
my eye roll, laugh, smile
be my "I'm sorry's"
be my lack of sleep
my lessons to learn and patience to obtain
my headache and worry
be my wild and can't get enough
my strength in disappointment, discouragement, despair
be my first call, longest call

if you can be anything,
just be mine.

12/6

It was 3 minutes to eleven in front of that house that we sat and stared at

eventually you stole my eyes and it went black

you're soft. and careful. 

gentle. and sweet.

but passionate and I felt the words through your lips.

smiles always seep through and we laugh soft

close. and just staying.

feeling like heaven

I want that moment forever.

Hand on your neck, forehead to forehead

joyful smiles

it was a perfect moment,

you love me so well.

please don't stop.

what lovers do

whoever set fireworks and butterflies as the sound of a sweet surrender to love

never met a guy like I did

I feel on fire, hot and sweating. I feel the chills, shaking and frozen.

You are the extremes.

and I'll admit now, I crave the dangerous feeling that brings.

actions and words that bring fear or embaressement

you wash away with a shrug of your shoulders and kiss on the head

You are the unexpected sigh of relief and contentment 

You find it funny when I'm mad

And I think I can frustrate you better than anyone

I can not only make you lose the page we're on but also the entire book

So, I drive you a little crazy

but you stay. and you put up with it.

I like the way you handle me, especially when you got a hand on me.

you're not my first morning thought 

but my all night wide awake want

You're my realize what I want,
let me show you it's enough

blinking yellow

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=THfc1R09Te8

the worst inside

I will forget my calm
I will loose my tongue, and all regret shall flow.

relapse

"common and normal to experience along the way
learning how to live without the drug takes time"

It was sudden, natural, wanted, fought.
Why is it so much more intriguing with the term "hands to yourself" being caught on replay
Why is doing something bad always associated with feeling so good

November's an attention seeker. Thrives off the adrenaline and stupid teen mayhem. She's the trouble child getting caught with the cops on weekdays. She doesn't learn from her past.

It was probably a mistake.

Cause nothing ever chosen and enjoyed in the moment lasts till the morning.

You're a bad hangover,
words absent and stares present.
You got nothing new to give,
but apparently I still let the old be had.
that's the worst part.

Let me remind you we didn't just press pause on the radio the last time we left each other
we turned it off.

                                   I'll just pray you felt like another dream,

                         and I'll pretend along 

a game for 1, table for 2

You knew long before I told you.
I read it tonight. That night I told you,
and you said I've known for a while.

you knew,
and you didn't let me go
ya kept me and didn't want me.
but you knew.

You kissed me hard at the part of "all I know is I want you"
but that moment passed the second the next moment came.

I suppose you wanted to play till you knew you had really won.

a nice guy not wanting to hurt feelings,
probably faking a lot those last months and trying to see it.
my choices.
sorry for not making it easier

but ya just
you knew long before I did

11 months, the eleventh month

this week:
2.
two.
the number of times I've looked up.
0.
zero.
the number of shooting stars.

1. Crying on the grass for the allotted 1 minute I gave myself
2. “Wow the stars look so beautiful” -Her

These past weeks have been hard. In every form and way I feel exhaustion. I went to bed sad, stressing about Kate and B and knowing how to be better/more for them. Mixed with the nightly ordeal of stress sleeping as I review studied anatomy terms in my dreams. And I remember all the sudden we were in your car. You were driving and then you were in the back sitting right next to me, eyes on me. And you hugged me. It felt so real and just like how it use to. And you pulled me closer and tighter and I just remember feeling for the moment safe and calm. I missed a friend, and He knew it needed to be that particular one. And only in the form of a dream could it happen. It felt that real and memorable on purpose.
So yes I believe in fate. And that it naturally occurs in November. Even in forms of stars or dreams, it occurs.


Tonight I remembered the swings. And how I wrote it in my journal. I opened up and not surprisingly as I randomly flipped through, your name began to be on every page. I got caught up reading at a particular story. As I continued on it talked of that night when you asked me what I would of said. And what you said. “Just promise me you won’t cry when this does end.”
That was a good place to stop. I actually do try for you. It’s the weirdest feeling. It’s how I believe you loved me. I couldn’t make it to the swings, maybe another day. I haven’t wrote in their in the longest time.

frozen stares

There are no songs I enjoy anymore

I'm bored 30 seconds in after I give up on my 15th skip.

It's funny how right in the times you think it's close to perfect

it crashes.

Funny coincidences like that all around, all the time

happy, fun, confident, smiling

stressed, insecure, negative, hiding

Mts

and 

valleys

taking turns

It's a cycle and because of that you learn to not let your highs get too high

because they fall fast to a low

never wanting to be too certain

hope somehow sticks around despite it being successful in following through with its intended route twice in a lifetime for the average person

so we stick with not expecting much, not banking on anything, 

and unfortunately not getting too excited either

It's a terrible way to live. 

distracting yourself with other things in effort to be surprised with what comes next.

dam I'm begging

let me be wrong 

did you hear me?

Reading isn't hearing. Reactions are assumed. Expressions are imagined.
And misinterpreted is all I ever feel.

And it's my fault.

Vibes and words not always lining with intentions that are only ever later realized

cause I don't know where I stand,

maybe I prefer to sit.

I'm mad at you cause I can't ever find the words and actions I feel satisfied with. You don't see me so how do you know me.

Mad cause your intentions get me lost as I hope for more than the surface.

Honey, you're sticky and I don't know how to be washed clean

Mostly.

Mad because I just plain old miss your voice.

And sad at the thought of hearing it.

I am mad at me. Please forgive me each time so I can try to do it on my own one day.

Few even knew.
And maybe that's the problem.

You think you'll be remembered but you weren't even known.

time difference

in france it's 10pm and I fell asleep thinking about the past                   
       
          at home it's 3pm. 

                   i already lived that. 

your 10pm will never match mine
maybe that's why the past is something to long for

nostalgia is a b

I knew it was where I had gone with you this same time last year.
  The pumpkins still weren't free.
I knew it was that side of the balcony that we crawled up.
  The view from the couch was still pretty.
I knew I was attracted to him because of the country songs you played.
  Come on, he was an older version of you and your fire fighting bff was there too alongside him.
Picture that. God has a humor.

All I'm saying is,
I'm very aware.

quality #2

Honesty is a funny thing.
you think you desire hearing something that will surprise you
you already know most the truth
just hearing you've been right all along is actually worse than being wrong.

She can’t say anything nice so she held all the mean in

Whatever happened to the right words
The nice ones
The believable ones

Whoever threw them out
Digging your own grave cause words feel like knifes
And you’re the only one speaking inside

Whenever will you decide to stop
“I’m trying”
Breaking habits isn’t as easy as keeping up with them

a reminder

I'm grateful for you. In a genuine, real way.
Things you taught me,
that I am, that is important, that I want, that I can take on, that I can be.

Things you helped me experience,
excuse the cliche but idk I guess some emotional poet would say,
I found my wings with ya.

There's no question of it being worth it,
you were my best friend,
and you are always someone I'll smile at the thought of.

that's not just a phase for me

It's just been in my head.

choices

The version I wrote before this one was a lot more... raw,

probably would have been a whole lot more entertaining with the crazy girl thoughts

including a fun section where a suppose to be friend called me a fake blonde who can't get married. hahaha it's a good thing I've learned to appreciate honesty and not take things too much to heart.

anyways sorry to spare you

Because I'm choosing instead to write of the choice to be happy. be positive. hear the lord's voice over satan's attacks. to pray for peace rather than any other thing.

Something I've strongly felt this week is peace. Because I've asked for it. In a genuine spiritual real heart way. Because I've asked for it through friends and through family. And it's something I didn't do before. I've felt that there is a real choice between choosing happiness and peace over the opposing. choosing to see the growth and to last the whole time in the moments where remembrance brings sweet memories. choosing to believe if this is where I'm at currently, it's where I'm suppose to be. believing God has a plan and divinely directs with his hand in small details and major milestones. having faith that all things can work out for my good. to appreciate the acts of love and service and sincere thoughts. 

If there's any advice to offer it'd be to avoid over thinking. analyzing. You will never understand it. And you'll just give satan power to let destructive thoughts start spiraling. Don't spend too much time on self pity and isolation. It's not the right way. Nor the way God would want you to handle him moving you along to other things. I guess I like to think if you can be faithful, hopeful, and strong right from the beginning you'll be a little easier for God to work with and move along. I'd prefer to be those things. To be an example to those around me of being strong in the hard.
And also for him to know I'm doing okay, promise kiddo.

And that's all I will choose to really think of the whole thing.

A month early

I turned on the radio just so I could still feel close to you
It wasn't the same and the song didn't help

I'm afraid that's how this is going to feel

Waking up felt like a foggy dream
A twisted stomach and not going back to sleep

I'm afraid that's how this is going to be

The idea of losing you kinda feels like a mean joke

I'm really afraid that's the word that's gonna keep occurring in my head
A joke
At least till it really hits

Only thing that makes it better is knowing perhaps you can progress now with a greater happiness and more at peace
I hope that for myself as well. I can do that.

I try to avoid the tattoo and glue thoughts
The stuff that I'm afraid is going to stick and be painted on me
Like words you said in regards to me
Vs regards to us
Like how it felt when you kissed me cause words made us feel lost and finding lips made us lose that feeling

At least for just for a little while
Cause pulling back meant pulling away

I'm afraid of the thoughts of trying to make sense of it
Cause you felt like home but I trust you most
Instinct, gut, feeling, thoughts, all.

I loved you
And I'm afraid of the process forcing that in the past tense

sad song, sing along

Some things memorized are like tattoos and glue.
Painted and stuck on you, and I actually never meant for that.

An occurrence more times than I'd want you to know.

exerting effort and hope in something that's bound to be stuck often leaves the heart on empty. 

You like to give things that don't always want the all your all.

never a piece to fit your puzzle
There wasn't much proof

success seems to appear as a dangling joke

 a step further for me and a time longer for you

quicksand thrown as often as eyes, lips or hands collide 

Give anything to hear you say anything besides "maybe, I don't know kid"

I'm sorry 
for the time wasted

not spent right with you
in the times we actually had each other

cross roads in september

The somewhat we'll see I'm still uncertain plans of summer/fall fell out of my mouth and you said

that's a long time.

and it hit me that it was. that 11 months is. 

But I don't feel rushed with you. 

Just get a rush from you.

She said what about it makes it a bad thing

rambling off but then each time following up with positives and certainties. And this wild panic calm of excitement been in me that I keep pushing down for the past 34 hours. 

cross roads are a hard place to stand at 

movement is required and we've always been content with staying in 

to the right, together. to the right for you and to the left for me. 

"we'll think about it together" and lonely use to be the thought of you leaving at night...but now

I'm wondering why you aren't staying the night. Cause it feels natural. And how wonderful it's been when in the times you don't, I'm confident I'm seeing you again soon. 

You and I are boomerangs to each other. I just know you, us. Separate paths mean at some point you jumping over the fence sneaking over to meet me. Some things never change, like the fact of you and I always finding each other. Other things do... Like the fact of you and I, the past month of a giant change towards each other.

One thing I am absolutely certain. I trust you most. I'd follow you. Standing sure of the fact that you are a thinker and I'm a feeler, together we'll choose what's right. 

Bread crumbs

Small.
Thinkin the mind is large based off the quantity of thoughts.
But it's quality over quantity my dear.
And you,
You are small.
You've got it categorized in bins. And 4/5 of them are made up scenarios and wishes.
"You're just so real"
What qualifies thoughts as being over bearing like your mother? Stuck in the house you built yourself all day, no wonder you find yourself back to the same old daily chores.
It's a wash down, scrub out, mop up kinda ordeal.
"Routine is all I've ever know"
So why do you keep trying to run

"you'll get there"

falling into constant traps, chasing after cheese, in purpose of being brave and saved
yet only finding myself stuck.

Being caught is a bad joke to those who dream hard
happened twice and it led to heart failure.

maybe you sit and laugh. See how many times in a day the mind can be bruised and the heart can be played.
An experiment to be entertained with. Hope it's been a good show, a song for you to sing so peacefully along to.

Nobody laughs at the overplayed jokes.
But I'll laugh at the ones thinking they can choose what comes their way.
Where the hell is lasting luck.

The words I never said

I love you.
Couldn't get them out. It wasn't right. Only hurt worse. And all I want for you is peace and joy.
God has a plan for you and one for me. He'll tell you what you need to hear and be with you as much as you're needing. I know because I prayed hard for that.
Because I love you.
Thank you for lots of things we both know wouldn't fix/help if we listed off. But there were lots.

Somewhere in the time of 1am

In a simple use of words:
What the hell are we doing.

You questioned why and how I keep sticking around.
Lips sealed, mind blank.
When you find that out, let me know.

Last night I couldn't hold in. I got it dark and faked it. But one am in the car and that light that stayed red for 13 minutes and I was content in no movement. A shaped heart through time hoping for change but suppose all's the same,
a reoccurring nightmare I knew to well.
       I'm in love with what's bad for me.

run and go tell

I saw you in the tulips I unintentionally noticed today. Maybe we see what we search for after all.
              They seemingly sprouted over night and I forgot they were ever planted.
Most likely won't notice them tomorrow
and that doesn't sound like a heart ache but a new season welcomed.

the loud produces silence

I listen to the loud to make my mind seem more quiet. It's a constant headache of hearing the noise

and pills are temporary, this appears to be permanent.

I'm trying to yell along with it so I maybe I can feel the noise but instead it silences me numb, like a glance that speaks volumes-there's nothing left to say.

ahem

let's title this
"the ones who's love got wasted"

I don't care anymore to check how green your grass is over there in Arizona. I'm left staring at gray clouds in Utah. You got lucky and I guess I got mad.
cause love never comes to the swimmers. You found an island in the ocean and I'm wondering if my eyes have been closed this whole time.
envy's knocking, have you given up slamming the door?

here honey, you gotta swallow. choking it down I cough up blood, you taste like a 9 month waste of tears, sweat and anxiety. The amount of tears shed over you could save lives concerning the dehydrated. My heart's a little here there and everywhere now, you shook it up with a hurricane of fake 3 word nothings.
so here's to you. the one who thinks they know what love is.
It got wasted.

whole and full

The moon is round and so is the sun. the designated shape of being full of light.Yet we hear our bodies are meant to be in shapes consisting of only 1 line. so confused, you wonder why many don't look like they're shining. beautiful creations by hands we plead we could feel touching our cheeks as tears streaming. Cause that's what they say happens.

you were beautiful even before you started thinking it for just that one good day. You were beautiful before the likes and comments came flooding in so don't sink back into that now.

I found light through the moon cause my heart is nocturnal.

 I understand myself only when I hear the use of pretty words coming out of others mouths. you're not your body you hate, the light you struggle to see, the jealousy you try to fight.

            You're a couple million particles of every bit of thing you've tasted, failed and loved.
Give up on a simple definition.
 Perhaps understanding your worth is so difficult because only one can tell you in the right language, you just struggle speaking anything other than what you were born knowing.

brown eyed 2 am moon

2 filled seats beating on roads leading across the states. Unsure if we've got the energy to fully make it to the destination we don't even know the location of. We just thrive after the feeling of fingertips catching wind. Living of those every so often sights of messy hair, smug smiles and scrunched faces.
Moody often cause you didn't care to pack a map and plans known can then be prepared for, but your laughter sounding like cares forgotten is something I couldn't plan for. I realize preparing leaves less room for surprising. And I like those.
You taught me that.

Love isn't for us. Like a hot candy you know you don't like but try just to be sure your taste buds haven't changed their mind. Like a bandaid I keep pulling off to check if the scratch is still there. It is, listen to your mother and leave it be. Like an ocean I feel the urge to jump into but I'll always be scared of the deep beneath. 

but you told me I was the type who has the greatest desire to jump, immersing myself all the way in however, will always be seen with just two feet barely in.

you don't know me.

Slow, soft, surprising. I'm in about my knees now and I've come to feel maybe the fear of the deep is just my self thought limits taunting me. 

Like the first time you saw my heart softly exploding. dark and quiet and wet.
that's not the way it goes, that's the way it went. 

   Don't ever again ask me if I would of said yes to you then if you're saying no to me.

frustrated as hell with you about 85% of the time. Casual yet as uncasual as casual gets.
a crazy kind of love that can't even be called love. Because headaches result from thinking about definitions and spelling bees.

You don't know how to understand it. It beats slower than yours but fills up much more. And I've given up on trying to explain it. Fights about facial expressions cause you read me too well now that I have to watch the number of times my eyebrows and nose scrunch.

You came to describe my face and feel my heart and it's been a process. Countless times wondering why I haven't jumped off the ride cause you piss me off and you're not what I wanted but there we are still sitting next to each other as it just continues. yeah you sure got 'er... good on ya kid. An Australian who's mouth I gotta watch close. And these days you won't catch me saying I mind with lips always finding mine. give me the fights and misunderstandings, I no longer feel I have to hold my breath when it comes to you. You use to find your way back to me like I was your home. No wonder I find myself feeling homeless without you.

Don't ask me if I question what if. I don't. Not at any other time than 2am I mean. 

You're my moon. And whether you want it or not I'm yours. We got our own phases sure yet every night same face, same time. routine and habits. And I could care less about the idea of a change. 

Something for me I didn't really ever want in the first place and now you seem to keep being put in first place. 

My october shooting star. My 1/6 give in. My 2am club. My fitting other hand.
my hope left heavy. 

Don't get use to words written on your behalf. love didn't work for us. We're not each others. Just caught in the same wave, sharing the laughter knowing we'll eventually reach the shore. 

Back on our feet with clear minds. But we're not gonna get that at 2 am so we just don't worry yet.

Focusing on brown eyes and a face I've come to see as often as the moon.