blinking yellow

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=THfc1R09Te8

the worst inside

I will forget my calm
I will loose my tongue, and all regret shall flow.

relapse

"common and normal to experience along the way
learning how to live without the drug takes time"

It was sudden, natural, wanted, fought.
Why is it so much more intriguing with the term "hands to yourself" being caught on replay
Why is doing something bad always associated with feeling so good

November's an attention seeker. Thrives off the adrenaline and stupid teen mayhem. She's the trouble child getting caught with the cops on weekdays. She doesn't learn from her past.

It was probably a mistake.

Cause nothing ever chosen and enjoyed in the moment lasts till the morning.

You're a bad hangover,
words absent and stares present.
You got nothing new to give,
but apparently I still let the old be had.
that's the worst part.

Let me remind you we didn't just press pause on the radio the last time we left each other
we turned it off.

                                   I'll just pray you felt like another dream,

                         and I'll pretend along 

a game for 1, table for 2

You knew long before I told you.
I read it tonight. That night I told you,
and you said I've known for a while.

you knew,
and you didn't let me go
ya kept me and didn't want me.
but you knew.

You kissed me hard at the part of "all I know is I want you"
but that moment passed the second the next moment came.

I suppose you wanted to play till you knew you had really won.

a nice guy not wanting to hurt feelings,
probably faking a lot those last months and trying to see it.
my choices.
sorry for not making it easier

but ya just
you knew long before I did

11 months, the eleventh month

this week:
2.
two.
the number of times I've looked up.
0.
zero.
the number of shooting stars.

1. Crying on the grass for the allotted 1 minute I gave myself
2. “Wow the stars look so beautiful” -Her

These past weeks have been hard. In every form and way I feel exhaustion. I went to bed sad, stressing about Kate and B and knowing how to be better/more for them. Mixed with the nightly ordeal of stress sleeping as I review studied anatomy terms in my dreams. And I remember all the sudden we were in your car. You were driving and then you were in the back sitting right next to me, eyes on me. And you hugged me. It felt so real and just like how it use to. And you pulled me closer and tighter and I just remember feeling for the moment safe and calm. I missed a friend, and He knew it needed to be that particular one. And only in the form of a dream could it happen. It felt that real and memorable on purpose.
So yes I believe in fate. And that it naturally occurs in November. Even in forms of stars or dreams, it occurs.


Tonight I remembered the swings. And how I wrote it in my journal. I opened up and not surprisingly as I randomly flipped through, your name began to be on every page. I got caught up reading at a particular story. As I continued on it talked of that night when you asked me what I would of said. And what you said. “Just promise me you won’t cry when this does end.”
That was a good place to stop. I actually do try for you. It’s the weirdest feeling. It’s how I believe you loved me. I couldn’t make it to the swings, maybe another day. I haven’t wrote in their in the longest time.

frozen stares

There are no songs I enjoy anymore

I'm bored 30 seconds in after I give up on my 15th skip.

It's funny how right in the times you think it's close to perfect

it crashes.

Funny coincidences like that all around, all the time

happy, fun, confident, smiling

stressed, insecure, negative, hiding

Mts

and 

valleys

taking turns

It's a cycle and because of that you learn to not let your highs get too high

because they fall fast to a low

never wanting to be too certain

hope somehow sticks around despite it being successful in following through with its intended route twice in a lifetime for the average person

so we stick with not expecting much, not banking on anything, 

and unfortunately not getting too excited either

It's a terrible way to live. 

distracting yourself with other things in effort to be surprised with what comes next.

dam I'm begging

let me be wrong 

did you hear me?

Reading isn't hearing. Reactions are assumed. Expressions are imagined.
And misinterpreted is all I ever feel.

And it's my fault.

Vibes and words not always lining with intentions that are only ever later realized

cause I don't know where I stand,

maybe I prefer to sit.

I'm mad at you cause I can't ever find the words and actions I feel satisfied with. You don't see me so how do you know me.

Mad cause your intentions get me lost as I hope for more than the surface.

Honey, you're sticky and I don't know how to be washed clean

Mostly.

Mad because I just plain old miss your voice.

And sad at the thought of hearing it.

I am mad at me. Please forgive me each time so I can try to do it on my own one day.

Few even knew.
And maybe that's the problem.

You think you'll be remembered but you weren't even known.