The date doesn't matter

its been a long while since I've written on here.
and quite honestly i sit here in my tears.
I never posted them.
I never showed them to you.
I'll never show them to you.
My blog. My journal. you can throw your ticket from that night away if you haven't already. I've already shut the page on all the little random things I've kept. It's on the bottom of the 8 journals I have stacked up for a reason. freak. I liked that journal gotta say screw you for that one.
Drafts. Labeled just with dates. Full of memories that filled a life. my life. my beautiful full life.
and i just left them where they were at.
No thought for a burial I would just never ever pay attention to them again and they'd die out eventually.
my beautiful full life.

where has it gone.
I find myself pleading for answers. how I've gotten here. why i'm here. Suffer to help her. suffer to help him. worth it.
Life never turns out the way you expect.
A big punch in the face it deserves. I've been stretched and worn out more than I should, left me only in hardened pieces of fake stillness. And i hate that i feel i've grown hard. It's made me hard and I'm pissed off most days. Mostly because I don't care and I know I should.

Life moves on and you're suppose to get over it. be okay with losing people. everyone. yourself. hey life takes and takes but
you'll get over it. things get better. you'll be alright.
 the fact is I'm just not jade diamond parker anymore.



I have this human love
It shattered once or twice
It pulls me up and down
If it's filled with jagged ice
Everyday I'm wanting something I ain't having

Trapped in you

31
30
31
15
months.
counting days till middles and middles till the end.
then weeks in a month and days in a week and hours in a day.
 time crept.
and time flew.
   hearts wept.
and hearts hoped.

Nothing's changed yet everything has

silently scream my hope

This time, this goodbye was happy.
I'd call it over due
Perhaps that's just my own thoughts. sorry it's true.

June 6 and August 15.
     eyes. arms. lips. Sometimes plans fall through.
A planner girl hoping for that now you've really caught me crazy.

"And there's something I need to say But I feel too afraid Cause when it's real there's a risk A chance that I'm nervous to take Oh my Oh my I think that I have fallen Cause you are gold...
And I will wait If it's time you need What I see in you I hope you find in me Cause you are gold."

You're only 19

I caught the early train 

I like to be prepared, be on time. 

But when I sat and turned to look at the view we turned left 

and the plan was to turn right 

                        Wrong train

           Rushed to catch 

Happened to miss 

a heart and a faith of one that never faileth

Yours and mine

Shattered and sharp. They're not shiny. We don't like to attract the attention. We paint them black matching the shadows with "I'm okay and it's okay's." We just throw it all in the top drawer. 

They seem to always cause a pain in the heart with every uncontrollable heavy sigh 

from holding onto too much. 

Or carrying too much. 

Do we make it more difficult than needed on ourselves? Tell me I am not so sure.

Praying for light. And a lightness.

Feelings of blind and feelings of heavy. 

Despite those feelings of broken pieces.

somehow the fact of two souls vulnerably bringing them out of the shadows, brought a sense of wholeness. 

Even just for that moment. 

Perhaps the greater goal of it all is to just seek after those moments as often as we get to. 

           You and I though. We need to stop thinking we need to do more. Be there more. Say more. Know more. you're enough. you're enough. you're enough. I love you still as we keep repeating it back to each other. 

"You're always going to be okay bud." 

I'll strive to keep telling you that because I'd like the feeling of sitting by your side until they are. 

Haven't we always done that anyways?

I picture reds, oranges, and pinks

Just wanting to feel like I can take a break with the swimming.
Not that if I do I'll sink.
But that I'll be able to float on my back, look up at the sky and feel alive.

Just wanting to.

exquisite

It's something exquisite feeling the sun and the wind and the peace and the smile that follows.
that feeling after experiencing something so sad and troubling that you just couldn't quite see an end.
but
there's always an end to the sorrow.
always.

And after the sad you're able to look back and see what you're made of.
what you defeated.

What you fight everyday for
and that's confidence and contentment within yourself.

That is the whole goal.
Relationships, sports, hobbies, jobs, goals
It's all to shape you into you. Let you learn and be taught what challenges you. Let you be shown what you're made of.

It's something exquisite to experience the learning through the struggles. The triumphs over the deep pits. To know that every word and thought and emotion you have is what you are. So stop being ashamed. Particles of the universe fill your mind and body and soul and yet we question our worth, our strength, our beauty.

I've come a long ways. Still young, still experiencing, still feeling, still struggling, still learning. But that's what keeps me going is the excitement to learn through experiences that I can look back at and call exquisite. To look back at myself and be proud of how well I accomplished it.

This year I learned how to love. How to go completely head first deep down in the atmosphere of insecurity and vulnerability. And once you've allowed your head to go down under, there's little room for air and trying to catch your breath is something you figure out along the way.

I learned how to be brave. Even if just for a few moments. Several times. It taught me when we decide to step out of this small box we create or our comfort zone we come to truly live life. We break away from the schedules and routines and we feel
alive.

I learned how to be someone who is capable of loving someone and someone who was capable of being loved.
It's been one of my greatest lessons.

But I've also come to learn to gracefully let go of some things. I work on faithfully not fearfully moving forward.
A lesson that having faith in God assures you that something better is always waiting just ahead. He's preparing you for something. Always.

So hold on.
stop and feel things.
see the exquisite beauty in yourself and your surroundings during your lessons and experiences.

God is an artist. We see that when we watch a sunset or look at our mothers eyes. We must believe that Gods creations are beautiful and he knows every detail of which he purposely placed. 

The plans he created for you, the mountains he created to be close to you, the friends he created to be there for you, and the body/spirit he created you to have.

One day we shall see truly what we're all made of and we shall look at God in awe for his knowledge and love. And one day when we are capable of we will see a type of sun shown within us in this life each time we decided to 

hope and smile.

Because that's what belief in God brings.

Let us be

I will not be ashamed of my feelings/emotions. 

It's my heart. My life. 

It's all real and raw 

And that makes it beautiful.

Inspiration for the strength of tomorrow's

But if not on July 2

Time seems to be flying by quicker now. But oh how much I miss you it seems to make the time feel not fast enough even still. 

I've been thinking about saying goodbye to you, saying hello again to you..which ones more terrifying to me. I'll know soon what you want. And that's a 50/50 shot. It's just a fear.

I worry to reach out each time I think to.  If you don't want me, I don't want you to feel pain or sadness as though you have to break my heart again. Because I know that's just how you'd feel. I want things to be happy and good for you. 

And I suppose if that's not something I can make you

or be for you, 

           it's ok. 

It'll be ok.

All is Well

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LP5JaEJ5jHY

Moroni 7:46-47

I say love with everything in you. Everyone. Even those who you struggle to love.

Don't we all deserve charity. Need charity?

For charity is the pure love of Christ. A love that never faileth.

So I say love as much as you got. And if it becomes difficult for you to cope with others not expressing the same,

I say love selflessly.

Christ loved all. Knowing not all would love him back. He understands the pain and sorrow of that. But should we allow ourselves to hold back our love for our own selfish fearful reasons?

Or shall we suggest another option of loving without expectations. Loving because life is hard. And you feel lonely. And hopes heavy. And the greatest need in all the world is Christ like love.

So love with everything you got. Love for others not for yourself. And you'll come to feel a greater love you maybe didn't recognize before. 

Truly the process of coming unto Christ gives you the greatest love. A perfect, complete, lasting joy.

So love. And not regret it. 

It's all really worth it.

PM

most nights its headaches

the constant endless thoughts of when this will pass

when this loneliness will be filled

what can I do more 

most nights its darkness

everything's silent

and I eventually don't have to feel or think 

favorite goodbyes are to each day after my head hits the pillow.

cause I'm closer to time healing

most nights its faking it 

for myself

for you

for her

whatever it takes to make it all better even just for a few seconds

but 

I'm just not there

it told me to feel the emptiness but the fight has only consumed me in it
Tell me how to pray harder for the how

Need you to know

May 27th + a day 

One year. I love you all.

Greater than I did last year 

and 

That was more than I thought I was capable of with what I endured through.

But joyfully endured because of you.  I know I'll say this again next year too though.

For me, you're my sisters I never got but always wanted. You're my spirits that no matter how large the universe is I know I'll always know where to find you. Find a feeling of home with each of you. Time and change is non-existent in that fact for me. Because you knew. You cried. You laughed. You loved. You carried.

For 

So 

Long

         And 

More

Than 

I 

Ever

Thought 

I 

Needed

You 

To

I don't doubt we found each other in the pre mortal life and promised we'd find each other when we came to Earth. Be there for each other and help us all make it through 

Together. 

And that's a strong statement to stand by.

But I learned long ago God knows what we are in need of, he wants us to be happy.

I need each of you. You're my happy.

God gave us each other.

And when we get on the other side I know we'll race to find each other. Throw our arms around each other in joyful tears saying thank you. Your impact was truly eternal. Because we're here.  

And that's what makes life so worth it and great. Is picturing that image and those words said with all those faces we come to remember that we knew and loved here, now.

                    So here's to you. 

            Some of my eternal friends.

Fragile hearts being carried along

I believe that sometimes we go through things to benefit someone in particular. To help them. To offer light. Support. Love. 

and by doing that we ourselves benefit. We learn. We see. We know. We feel. 

And it makes hard things worth it. 

Even though it's hard, there's blessings within the tradgedy I at times feel. And I know I'm not alone. 

I've been blessed to have those blessings typically be great friendships.

You connect despite different situations. And it's because you're aware. Just every tear and laugh mean so much more and you feel them. 

And I'm grateful for that. It makes things feel real. 

And alive.

Even if you feel like the sharp glass is unavoidably always catching your feet with each step while running toward solid ground. 

You're moving. And you're doing a lot better than you think. A lot. 

Your strength and faith and hope it's inspiring. 

For those around you and most certainly should be for yourself. 

When it feels God is taking something away or you're losing something.. Those are the times I pray to know he only ever takes things away to replace them with greater things that are in store for you and the timing is

is

now. 

And that's okay. This is all planned out for you. Goodbyes will never last forever, a hello always follows. Always. Hope confidently in that. 

Something better for you that is full of a different kind of happiness you've ever experienced

it's waiting just ahead. 

So just hold on. Be aware of the hearts around you. 

We're all fragile. Be someone who helps carry a heavy heart and you'll find others along the journey who will help carry yours. And that's friendship. And God will always give you somebody to call your friend in any place or situation. 

I hope it testifies of Gods great love for you for blessing you with certain people. And let you see a little more clear of what Christ is doing daily to help you know you're never alone. And that he knows and 

               he felt

you can do this.

There's always beauty even in tragedy or struggling times. Just have the courage to seek it and you'll be given the faith needed to truly see it. 

Something for her.

Some say she loves in naive stupid ways.

Some would say she loves fiercely. 

Either way her heart is so far and high up in the sky she loses sight of it and the string that keeps control of it. 

I don't disagree with you about either judgements.

In fact I only add to it. 

She loves as though she's naive so fiercely she may lose her logic at times but so fully she feels everything at full doses.

The fact is no one loves quite like her. Her love produces feelings, memories, thoughts, peace, and fullness at a rate and portrayal no one in the world can replicate. 

No one is me. And no one is you. And no one will be quite like us. 

It's all in the grin

Currently two pages long. 

You and I and adventures and the story I like to call 

Ours.

I held onto your hand so tight I dreamt you asked me to be soft.

But soft is your grin and your gaze before you kiss me 

I'm calm. My chest beating hard though. Overflowing chills as the memory of your laugh plays over 

and over 

and over 

And over in my head. 

You scratch my back when I pull away from you and not too long after pull me back in close and kiss my forehead. And it showed me you want me close and I keep asking myself how did this all happen.

I'm trying to open my eyes each moment feeling as though this is a dream 

but 

But there you are still. 

The way you look at me sometimes

       it's a powerful thing-enough to calm every one of my storms for miles on end. 

I will always get butterflies when you nonchalantly say as well as whisper sweetly shlee. I promise with every new day I'll grow that page count of what I call 

Our story. 

the songs of my heart, you knew each one

It's more often than you recognize it 

(and I love that) 

My gaze directed at you with a soft, wide smile. 

And I swear I could never look at you long enough to be satisfied enough to look away. 

Those tired eyes. 

Eyelids fighting the urge of open vs closed. 

Facing me, only inches, yet all that is in focus is the color blue and a growing grin. 

That's my happy. 
Constant tidal waves rushing over me each time you touch me.

"Man, look at you." 

"Are you happy? That's all I want." 

All the words you say to me 

No playlist of songs made-no greater song sung- nothing compares

This is Troy and I still want YOUR number (; is where it began. You picked me up with a bouquet hidden behind your back. With our exact same music taste feeling like our souls were in sync with every lyric wanting to be dropped on our lips. 

When auto correct did a job well done. You called me shlee. and I told you I'm digging the magic. You told me I'm your favorite way to spend your time and Shirtsleeves has become a broken record my heart beats to.

You know I don’t like my hands or thighs but you somehow erase the importance of my flaws.

You remind me in silence with the way you squeeze my hand, fingertips on the skin, to enjoy right now.

And January 2nd. Starting the year off with you. Teaching me about what I wished and hoped for most, 

courage. 

I could go on and on about the way you make my heart feel. But being with you I always seem to be at loss for words. And I had never been one to not have words. And yesterday it hit me.. describing you and how I feel only comes through saying 

I love you. 

What matters most

Can't stop thinking about the way it feels being with you,

 the thought of you.
   how it gives me that rush and whole body- catch your breath, red face, sinking - experience that going down a rollercoaster always gives.

I know I haven't asked you yet...but will you be my valentine?
cheesssyyyyy
but all kinds of giddy grins everywhere.
love is the joy of the heart. its what makes it pick up the pace when its falling short behind.
And I know the fact is I'm either gonna
make
or
break
your heart.

But right now I'm just happy to be in your car with your hand in mine and you singing along to Ed Sheeran.

And ohhh how I love Ed Sheeran even more now. You got that passion and spoiling every girl wants.  With your hand holdings, knee rubbings and confident lean overs with a I wanna try somethin'

You picked me up with a bouquet hidden behind your back. With our exact same music taste feeling like our souls were in sync with every lyric wanting to be dropped on our lips. Whispering all that I'm afraid to tell you and am uncertain I am feeling. Talk of a friend, a great one. Changing your life due to the care of your heart. PF Changs and talk of a X, 4 kids, and fears. A confession repeated making my face drop to the floor because of how red it quickly grew.

Ice skating and talk of the couple olympics. With every step that may have seemed uneasy a hand grip tightened. The fact that I felt in my heart you were being honest when I said all my friends may be leaving me and you said "I'm not."

A graceful gentle moment. My head slumped down on my shoulder, with a glossy stare at your hand in mine. Watching the quiet and reassuring movement of your thumb over mine; with the scene of the highway, lights in the fog blurred, behind the image of our hands intertwined. With every shy smile look over and a "you're up," you seemed to know with every pick what song my heart was singing.

"I really like you. But like really" and an intense 4 songs. And something I like about you is your testimony Tuesdays. And a you'd really like my mom, she's my best friend. And yes I'm sensitive okay. You really wanna give me nightmares with that movie? well just for one nighttt?? When auto correct did a job well done. You called me shlee. and I told you I'm digging the magic. You told me I'm your favorite way to spend your time and Shirtsleeves has become a broken record my heart beats to.


the fact of this all is,
I hold hands awkwardly, and my hand is bigger than I'd like it to be in yours, but you remind me in silence with the way you squeeze my hand, fingertips on the skin, to enjoy right now.

Here's what I'm certain of
Hersey was right when he said "All I need's you and a bit of music"

This one is for the life changers. The life savers. The life makers. The life forevers.

Lexi is a beautiful mess. She's clumsy, golable, bad luck haver, over thinker, extreme stresser loaded with thee greatest over flowing heart I've ever known. Lexi is one of those rare souls. Everything beautiful in a person, she has a mix of a little of everything. Lex genuinley cares about your happiness and makes sure you know that. She knows how to make me laugh, the ugly loud snort kind because she's just that funny. She leaves me feeling happier than I came. She is always and I mean always there. I think even if we ever did stop talking for a months/years time I would feel I could still call or text her one day about something and she'd be there, as if there was no time lost. She connects with me in a way that I feel she just understands my heart. She's my go to for advice on guys. Even though I don't like sharing my feelings, Lexi is one who I feel the most comfortable to do so cause I feel our souls are so similar. Although she may feel she always is the one who "cares more or too much" I believe she cares just the perfect amount in a way that resembles Christ-like love. Lexi makes me feel a portion (as earth love can't compare to eternal) of the way I believe Christ feels for me. I've never felt that so strongly from anybody else. She has great gifts of the spirit in many ways but that is my favorite gift of hers, it's blessed my life beyond words. Her testimony is beautiful as it grows through grace and patience. She is my forever friend. 

Jess is classic bold elegance. She knows who she is, and is unforgiving with being exactly that person. My greatest quality I love of Jess is simply that. Jess is stunning in any view and form. She is the most photogenic and "enjoying the moment" person I know. She speaks her mind and if someone doesn't like it, she doesn't let it change her or even stop her from loving them. Her name just goes hand in hand with lovely. She walks with grace and confidence in the future. When she opens her mouth to speak of things pertaining to the gospel I always get the chills and my heart gets warm. She doesn't know that however. Her soul is strong and full of faith. Jess has such an amazing talent with saying the exact words needed when it counts the most. I still have a note in my phone that says "Jess called me nurturing today. It's exactly what I didn't know I needed to hear. She made me feel good about myself." She has always been so great at making me truly believe and feel deep down that I'm important and valued. That's a hard, hard thing to make someone feel their importance and she does it with ease. She is confident and elegant. Jess has a gift in the way that she makes herself and others feel the worth of their soul as God sees it. She is my forever friend. 

Emi is a quiet passionate. As soon as I met her the first time I instantly felt like we clicked as friends. We have so much fun together. She gets my awkward and helps me realize life doesn't have to be heavy and to just laugh it off. She hides a lot of herself, which is both beautiful and frustrating. Nevertheless, I wouldn't change her in any way. She surprises me in ways that show how incredibly strong she is as a person so much I feel sometimes I don't know her as I thought I had. I've still yet been able to grasp how much she just progresses and improves everyday in the best ways. I remember going to the temple with her and feeling the spirit stronger than I ever had any time going before then. I literally felt the love Christ had for her. I hadn't ever felt a feeling like that in my entire life. I'm not sure I told her that. Mostly because I have no words to explain it and I don't think she could comprehend it (as neither could I) but I know I will never forget that feeling. I knew she was so important to have in my life at that moment. Her determination and strive for constant growth in her testimony and desires has impacted my life and I can say full heartedly I needed her as my friend. She is something absolutely exquisite if you get the chance to truly know and see her. Delicate and graceful yet powerful, passionate and determined. Emi has the gift of making me (continually) confident in finding myself, being myself and loving myself. Emi is my forever friend. 

Mel is my first call. My go to for everything life. It fathoms me, honestly can't begin to comprehend how she doesn't see how absolutely close to the Savior that she constantly is. And I get to say that because the amount of times she has said something that only the spirit knew I needed is endless. Mel became my friend in the ninth grade and my life was forever changed for the best after that. Mel is my hero. My greatest example. She is as close as it gets to perfection inside and out. She reminds me of all the great women in the scriptures that you read about. Her soul is made up of entirely all great things. Selfless. Humble. Faithful. She is it all. Yet she sees so little of it. Shes frustrating in that way. She is sass. She is forgetfulness. And she pushes people away when she needs them the most. She's sensitive and takes things to heart (with careful consideration). She doesn't give up and is stubborn in that way. Her stress and worry comes from watching out for others feelings. That is something that will never become weak in her. Many times I've just looked over at Mel to see her admiring and striving to understand the world around her. She's grateful. Mel is my support and encouragement for better things. Mel's gift is her selfless-ness and genuine-ness. She brings about miracles. Or in my case was one for me as she came into my life at a time I needed someone exactly who she was. She is the friend you search an entire lifetime for and I feel blessed to of only had to look for 15ish years, here's to eternity of friendship.  Mel is my forever friend.