choices

The version I wrote before this one was a lot more... raw,

probably would have been a whole lot more entertaining with the crazy girl thoughts

including a fun section where a suppose to be friend called me a fake blonde who can't get married. hahaha it's a good thing I've learned to appreciate honesty and not take things too much to heart.

anyways sorry to spare you

Because I'm choosing instead to write of the choice to be happy. be positive. hear the lord's voice over satan's attacks. to pray for peace rather than any other thing.

Something I've strongly felt this week is peace. Because I've asked for it. In a genuine spiritual real heart way. Because I've asked for it through friends and through family. And it's something I didn't do before. I've felt that there is a real choice between choosing happiness and peace over the opposing. choosing to see the growth and to last the whole time in the moments where remembrance brings sweet memories. choosing to believe if this is where I'm at currently, it's where I'm suppose to be. believing God has a plan and divinely directs with his hand in small details and major milestones. having faith that all things can work out for my good. to appreciate the acts of love and service and sincere thoughts. 

If there's any advice to offer it'd be to avoid over thinking. analyzing. You will never understand it. And you'll just give satan power to let destructive thoughts start spiraling. Don't spend too much time on self pity and isolation. It's not the right way. Nor the way God would want you to handle him moving you along to other things. I guess I like to think if you can be faithful, hopeful, and strong right from the beginning you'll be a little easier for God to work with and move along. I'd prefer to be those things. To be an example to those around me of being strong in the hard.
And also for him to know I'm doing okay, promise kiddo.

And that's all I will choose to really think of the whole thing.

A month early

I turned on the radio just so I could still feel close to you
It wasn't the same and the song didn't help

I'm afraid that's how this is going to feel

Waking up felt like a foggy dream
A twisted stomach and not going back to sleep

I'm afraid that's how this is going to be

The idea of losing you kinda feels like a mean joke

I'm really afraid that's the word that's gonna keep occurring in my head
A joke
At least till it really hits

Only thing that makes it better is knowing perhaps you can progress now with a greater happiness and more at peace
I hope that for myself as well. I can do that.

I try to avoid the tattoo and glue thoughts
The stuff that I'm afraid is going to stick and be painted on me
Like words you said in regards to me
Vs regards to us
Like how it felt when you kissed me cause words made us feel lost and finding lips made us lose that feeling

At least for just for a little while
Cause pulling back meant pulling away

I'm afraid of the thoughts of trying to make sense of it
Cause you felt like home but I trust you most
Instinct, gut, feeling, thoughts, all.

I loved you
And I'm afraid of the process forcing that in the past tense

sad song, sing along

Some things memorized are like tattoos and glue.
Painted and stuck on you, and I actually never meant for that.

An occurrence more times than I'd want you to know.

exerting effort and hope in something that's bound to be stuck often leaves the heart on empty. 

You like to give things that don't always want the all your all.

never a piece to fit your puzzle
There wasn't much proof

success seems to appear as a dangling joke

 a step further for me and a time longer for you

quicksand thrown as often as eyes, lips or hands collide 

Give anything to hear you say anything besides "maybe, I don't know kid"

I'm sorry 
for the time wasted

not spent right with you
in the times we actually had each other

cross roads in september

The somewhat we'll see I'm still uncertain plans of summer/fall fell out of my mouth and you said

that's a long time.

and it hit me that it was. that 11 months is. 

But I don't feel rushed with you. 

Just get a rush from you.

She said what about it makes it a bad thing

rambling off but then each time following up with positives and certainties. And this wild panic calm of excitement been in me that I keep pushing down for the past 34 hours. 

cross roads are a hard place to stand at 

movement is required and we've always been content with staying in 

to the right, together. to the right for you and to the left for me. 

"we'll think about it together" and lonely use to be the thought of you leaving at night...but now

I'm wondering why you aren't staying the night. Cause it feels natural. And how wonderful it's been when in the times you don't, I'm confident I'm seeing you again soon. 

You and I are boomerangs to each other. I just know you, us. Separate paths mean at some point you jumping over the fence sneaking over to meet me. Some things never change, like the fact of you and I always finding each other. Other things do... Like the fact of you and I, the past month of a giant change towards each other.

One thing I am absolutely certain. I trust you most. I'd follow you. Standing sure of the fact that you are a thinker and I'm a feeler, together we'll choose what's right.